Eric's Thoughts

Before I ponder let me catch up.  The weather station took a back burner to getting the BMCR website switched over.  I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m having trouble with our current registrar/host.  Through some kind of mess up (so they claim) they’re having trouble getting me the info I need to get our domain transferred to a different registrar.  I’ve done just about all I can, and until I get our domain transferred I’m stuck.  So I’ve gone back to the weather station, and now have gotten it to the point of posting the weather on our intra-net.  So work is going well.  On to my ponder.

The past month and a half-ish has been one of those dry spells for me.  God has felt far away, and our relationship strained or non-existent.  Now today for some reason it feels like it’s been restored.  I feel close to Him, and it’s wonderful.  The strange part is I don’t know why.  It almost felt like a switch, gone one moment there the next.

I know in my head and I believe in my heart that God is faithful.  Yet I am ever tempted to base our relationship on how I feel.  I guess I ask prayer for that.  Regardless of whether I feel close to Him or distant my faith will not waiver.

Psalm 18:27-28 For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks. For thou wilt light my candle: the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.

Let me see.  Work has been going well.  I’ve got the new weather station talking to my computer now, I’ve just got to figure out how to get all that information onto the Internet.  A laptop was donated for Jim our construction manager, so I’ve been getting that setup.  As usual that is taking longer than I think it will.  I’ve still got to get the BMCR domain transferred to a new registrar, and Internet access set up in the student lounge.

Proverbs 3:27 Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.

People are due good. I wonder how that works out.

I’m trying to think of some really important things to say and drawing a complete blank.  I’m doing well.  We had our last guest group in over the weekend and that went well.  I think I’ve figured out why the weather station isn’t talking to any of my computers, but I wont be able to test my theory until Wednesday.  I’ve upgraded my work computer to the new Ubuntu (10.10) and did a clean install of it on my personal PC.  I’ll stop boring you now.

Proverbs 29:27 An unjust man is an abomination to the just: and he that is upright in the way is abomination to the wicked.

I was just reading Nehemiah nine, and it hit me again.  Our faith is not based on miracles or on demonstrations of God’s power.  The Jews had that.  They saw plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, they saw the power of God, and even with that the first chance they had they turned away.  It explains why I’m so quick to forget what God has done for me, and how He has provided.  It’s human nature.  Look at the miracles Jesus did and how people disbelieved Him.  A reflection of my life magnified to a nation.  People really don’t change, and we’re all basically the same.  How I chuckle, when I hear about how tough we have it these days, how bad things have gotten.  Don’t be silly.  Things haven’t changed that much.  Sin is sin.  The next generation is struggling with the same sin my generation struggles with, same as my parents generation struggles with, all the way back to Adam.  I’m rambling.  I’ll stop now.

Psalm 3:3 But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

God is my glory. That cannot be topped, and yet I incessantly run after the glory given from men. At times like these I get just a glimpse of the magnitude of my own folly. What must God think of me? He sees me as I am, and that is not a pretty picture.

Proverbs 25:2 It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.

This is the true place and purpose of science, to seek out the things God has hidden.

I’m back.  A quick update.  I’ve got the new BMCR website is going well.  I’ve got a test setup of the new system, and it’ll work, I’ve just got to clear it with the powers that be.  I’ve got a weather station that for some reason will not talk to any of my computers.  It’s been a frustrating two or three days trying to figure that out.  My brother and sister are visiting through Saturday, so I get to spend time with them.  I’m so glad they are here.  The students are in their third week of classes.  Ok, that’s the big stuff, and I’m so tired I can’t remember the little stuff, so I’m done.

Proverbs 21:2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.

God knows. It doesn’t matter what other people see, it doesn’t matter how I justify it, He sees. How often I am foolish to believe that I have some how hoodwinked God.

Proverbs 21:30 There is no wisdom nor understanding nor counsel against the Lord.

He always wins. End of story.

Nehemiah 5:19 Think upon me, my God, for good, according to all that I have done for this people.

Here it is. Every sermon I have ever heard, Nehemiah is a hero. No one ever calls him selfish or self-serving because he asks God to treat him well for the good he has done. Yet the king of Persia in the book of Ezra is always a bad guy for expecting God’s favor because he gave stuff to God and His people. End of personal pet peeve.

Why do I become discontent?  Why do I have this craving for honor, glory, and recognition when I know very well were I to get them I would still not be satisfied?  Why am I not content with the riches God has given me?  Through Christ I have everything, and I want to chase after nothing.  Does that make me a fool?  I know the truth and I still run after the lie.  Pathetic.

Any ways today was actually a good day, I just sometimes marvel at myself (and not in a good way).

Psalm 144:15 Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the Lord.

Proverbs 16:6 A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

For some reason I find this verse comforting tonight.

Ezra 8:22 For I was ashamed to require of the king a band of soldiers and horsemen to help us against the enemy in the way: because we had spoken unto the king, saying, The hand of our God is upon all them for good that seek him; but his power and his wrath is against all them that forsake him.

Two things. Ezra was concerned for God’s honor, and he trusted God to uphold His honor. Secondly they must have had a lot of money with them, if a band of soldiers was “needed” to protect them. How often does God do that? How often does He ask me to do something totally backwards? How often do I say yes when He does?

ABC is back in session.  We’ve got 11 (I think it’s 11) students.  They are in the middle of their first week, and it is going well (though in all honesty they haven’t really been here long enough for things to go poorly).  We played paint ball tonight, students vs. staff, and frankly we crushed them.

I’ve been trying to teach my self how to use Joomla.  It is a content management system for websites.  I’m hoping to be able to use it for the BMCR website.  It allows multiple people to edit it, and you don’t have to know any html.  I’m pretty excited about it.  I’m going to start with a default template, and maybe by next year I’ll be comfortable enough with it to look into purchasing a different one.  I’m talking a lot but not saying much so I’ll stop now.

Psalm 143 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah. Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble. And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

It amazes me how David can so succinctly say what my heart feels. I can’t express it nearly so eloquently, but it is what I mean (at least some of the time).

Proverbs 15:25 The LORD will destroy the house of the proud: but he will establish the border of the widow.

Again with the pride thing. Scary.

Ezra chapter 7. I’ve always heard the king of Persia get ripped on. Every one always goes on how he’s just trying to bribe God. I guess that has always bothered me. Is it recorded else where that the king gave similar gifts to other gods? He was honoring God so things would go well in his kingdom. Is that wrong? God had made it very clear what He did to those who did not honor Him. As I think about it behind this question is another one. The purpose of man is to glorify God. Now I have been taught that I can offer nothing to God. I am totally and utterly dependent on Him. How can I stand before God, who holds my life in His hands and say, “I’m glorifying and honoring You just because. It really has nothing to do with what You have done for me.” Is it really so bad to give glory and honor to God because of what He has done/is doing for me? It’s getting late, and this isn’t something I’ll figure out soon.

I took this week off, and I have to say it’s been really nice.  I’ve stayed up late, slept in late, taken naps, and basically lazed around.  I have been trying to get to bed earlier though.  I went with Tom to the Young Life shoot yesterday.  That was fun, though it was really hot out, well over 100.  Today I just hid in my office and read.  This evening I moved from my trailer to the dorm.  Jose is back (he was my roommate second semester of last year), it is good to see him again.  I am sad he’s only here for the first semester of Arrowhead, but such is life.

Proverbs 14:16 A wise man feareth, and departeth from evil: but the fool rageth, and is confident.

Proverbs 16:26-27 In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death.

It has been one of those days.  I have been struggling trying to tame my heart and mind, but I’ve basically just ended up praying and asking God for forgiveness… a lot.  I know I should be in awe of my God because He has granted that forgiveness, because He has shown me His love, yet mostly what I feel is shame at what I am.  Maybe that is my problem (or at least one of them).  I should focus less on me and more on Him.  Duh.  Any ways this has been a depressing paragraph.  Onto the questions.

I guess my title is miss-leading.  I think I actually only have one question.  How are we as humans to consider/view ourselves?  I recently heard the saying “God doesn’t make junk.”  My first thought was “That’s a nice churchy way of trying to make people feel good about themselves.”  As I’ve thought about it more I haven’t been so sure.  On the one hand we all are junk, actually worse than junk seeing as how we (if we get our “rights”, what we deserve) should be in hell.  On the other hand Christ died for all of us, that the world could be saved which makes us invaluable (though still going to hell unless we acknowledge Christ’s lordship).  Both of these facts if taken by themselves lead to twisted views of God.  How often I act as if this is an either or question and forget that both views are Biblical (I’m not taking the time to prove either statement, but don’t take my word for it I’m wrong more often than I’m right).  I’m tired.  It is time to go to bed.

Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Funny I should read this Psalm tonight.

Proverbs 11:12 He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.

P.S.  Reading over this again it looks kind of bleak.  That is ok.  I’m tired, and yes from time to time I have struggles and doubts.  It amazes me what a good nights sleep will do for those struggles and doubts.

The summer is done, and as sad as I am to see most of the summer staff go, I am also glad.  Things can slow down, I can get some rest, and college students are coming.  We went up the mountain yesterday, and three of us decided to bike down.  Only one of us made it the whole way.  Jeremy blew both his tires, I wiped out in some gravel, but Grant made it.  I hit pretty hard, and I’m sore today.  Here is a picture of my new “battle scar” (a.k.a. monument to my stupidity).

That was the worst one.  Most of the rest of it is road rash (though I got it on my shoulders, back and head).  I do have to say mountain biking down a mountain is a lot of fun.  It’ll be a while before I try again though (maybe next summer).

Psalm 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

I am the work of His hands. That almost seems sacrilegious. As I sit here and try to puzzle out my God I really am glad I cannot understand Him.