This is a rhetorical question. I am simply venting.
I know what I am to do, how I am to live, and I can’t do it. I know I am to give myself up, I know I am to surrender, but I can’t do it. Despite my best efforts (which in theory are aided and abetted by Christ/Holy Spirit and/or wouldn’t even be there without Him) I submit to my pride, my selfishness, my desire for recognition. So I am ashamed, and I dishonour the name of Christ.
I know, I know, sanctification is a process, He who began a good work will finish it, the Author is perfecting my faith, etc. Like I said I’m venting. Vent done.
Psalm 38:3-6 There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin. For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me. My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness. I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.
38:15 For in thee, O Lord, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.
38:18 For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
38:21-22 Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me. Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.
Proverbs 30:12 There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.